hearing voices

I am still in doubt. I don’t know what to do next. Trapped , caged and keeping myself to the split tongues that mimic the voices of my captors. They asked me ,”What now?” and “So , how?” I swear I almost lose it when I think I heard voices in my head. They prompt me but my tendency to vacillate makes them ineffective. I can’t feel the liveliness in me even in my frivolous living , my grief-filled living , my joyous living , my violent living , busy living , my peaceful living. What do you call this? A life without purpose? I am so sad.

not very nice

Like every other day , your voice rise in paranoid accusations and occasionally you blow up. Like a young child , you throw tantrums , try to pass by looking cute or resort to reasoning, yet expressing one of the most important rites in passage of life-limilal people , silly and profoundly human. Your emotion shapes your behavior. If you can’t control your emotion , you behave unrestrained and self-willed. Self-willed in a sense you are overwhelmed. You make your way into a situation , agitated and how oblivious. You are like a bull on the loose. Sometimes you are right , sometimes you are wrong but most of the time you are blurred. Pointless-all we ever wanted is for nobody to get hurt. Maybe you don’t know enough to begin setting up the problem. We argue. Your attention wavers. You wonder about other problems. You try to focus on the problem again. You talk for awhile, but the tension wins out and your attention flits elsewhere. You talk and begin something else to ease the frustration. I can’t conclude what that is, but I don’t enjoy it.

=(

There I was sitting on the sandy beach , filled with sands in my pants. I screened my face from the sharp sun ray with my left hand as I laid facing the wide open sky. I felt so warm yet so cold as the icy water wiped over my legs.

I was disturbed by the sound of unrest break-up of waves. It’s not calming. It’s not peaceful. I want to stop them if I am able to. Slowly, I stood up and walked alongside the waves. I felt the rough sand between my toes as I walked further. I left a long trail of footprints but the waves came and wiped them out. The waves were teasing me with its continuous blow but I kept walking. I walk and walk , undecided to stop. I didn’t look over my shoulder. When I finally stop walking, I was screaming in the inside.

swearing

My dad : “You can’t swear all the time , its not good. Its not good because it won’t sound like                   the first time.”

My mom : “CELAKA is a bad word!”

Joyce : “That crazy bitch just ruin my life”

Jasmine : “What is a bad word?”

Claire : “I can’t stop swearing. I can fit 3 swears into a sentence!”

Patricia : “Chicken you lar , teacher!”

Joel : “Stella , kiss my back side”

Adrian : “Girls aren’t suppose to swear. Guys can swear”

Pan : “People who swears are lack of vocabulary.”

Shaun : “…bitch…taka….bitch….(10 minutes of swearing)

Sugi : “FUCK YOU LAR!”

Mr. Fong : “CI BAI you!”

Geral O : “Cis you!”

Geral Chan : “Babi you!”

Claire : “Its not good to swear, Pat”

Haha. so funny. Me : “Fuck off”